unabashed expressiveness

okay so the whole point of starting a blog in the first place was that i'm going through an existential crisis of mammoth proportions and need to express myself in order to get out the angstyness. and i've sort of hinted at my personal craziness, but been bashful. the buck stops here.

the main problem with my last relationship is one that can be found by searching through websites where couples describe their sex problems. here's an excerpt from one:

Dear Dr. Patti:

Recently, I have fallen in love with my boyfriend of five months. Needless to say, we have incredible sex; however, sometimes after a really intense orgasm I will burst out in tears. Why does this happen to me? I never have been sexually abused, and I am very open about my sexuality. --N

Patti Britton

Sex Coach Dr. Patti Britton is a certified sexologist and author who provides factual, up-front and responsible advice about sex -- from orgasms to ovulation.


Dear N:

What a lovely question. Contrary to what many people may think, the responses women exhibit at the peak of orgasm are varied and can often be misleading. Women report to me that at their climax they explode with many varieties of emotional release. Those expressions can include tears, laughter, sobbing and intense crying.

Because the sexual response cycle is multiphasic, there are levels of energetic buildup during the whole process...Throughout this process of arousal through to the "pop" of orgasm, energy is amassing and must be discharged. That energy may take the form of whatever the body is capable of releasing -- so that it may show up, as for you, as intense crying. This is nature's way of giving you a precious gift. In American culture, tears and crying have received too much bad press, for both men and women. Know that this is a perfectly wonderful means for letting out both feelings and energy. Crying, for you, may be your body's way of telling you it has completed a dance, or an intense journey, through sex.

Be sure that you have thoroughly checked inside to make sure that these tears are of joy, not sadness or something else that may stem from a past wound around relationships, sex or your body image. Then go forth in delight that you can enjoy so much emotional juice. It's terrific that you can feel, express and know that you are truly alive.

needless to say, my ex didn't "go forth in delight" about the fact that orgasm was an incredibly emotional experience for her. she felt that it meant something was wrong with her, even though i thought it was the most beautiful, soul-wrenching thing i have ever dreamed of. in the end, when she would think about sex with me she would think about how she would get emotional, and avoid it. then she would feel guilty that she wasn't giving me what i needed. the cycle of negativeness ripped us apart. and so here i am feeling like our love was so deep and we were fit for each other in so many ways, but this beautiful physiological response was too much for us to handle and we were too young and inexperienced to know how to cope.

so what do i do now? i feel like i need to talk to a sex therapist or something just to be able to put my thoughts in order and wrap my head around what the fuck just happened over the past three years. intellectually, i sort of know that what's over is over. and emotionally, my heart just needs time to start beating on it's own again. but then again, intellectually i'm still searching for answers and it's not clear to me that this was a good enough reason for us to abandon each other, not when we felt so strongly. i feel like if we had been thirty, we would have just gone to a counselor and gotten some help figuring it out.

meanwhile, and this relates to epugachev's post from a few weeks back, my parents saw my mental state over thanksgiving and think that i need paxil, which throws me into another thought loop. would van gogh have sliced off his ear had he been given antidepressants? if you meet your soulmate, and then lose her, are you supposed to take prozac to get over her, or are you supposed to wallow in sorrow until the forces of fate pull you back together like a snapped rubber band?

catharsis at least. and at last.